What Wedding Photographers Dream About

Last night I dreamt I was dressed in a beautiful silky, flowing Vera Wang wedding gown. I don’t know why I knew it was Vera Wang, I just did. Perhaps in my dreams I’d never be caught dead in anything less. I was in what looked like an old, abandoned building surrounded by my fellow paparazzi. Just the kind of place we would swarm to for a shoot. I was the model for the day, something I would normally be completely uncomfortable with because of my missing tooth, crooked teeth, and super thin lips, but today I was enjoying myself. Because I’m a wedding photographer, I had inside information, I knew exactly how to pose for my shooters, they didn’t have to say a word.

I grabbed the hand of my fake groom and led him to another location in the room that had wonderful window lighting, but my paparazzi didn’t follow me. I caught the tail end of them as they disappeared down the stairs. I waited a few minutes thinking, “They’ll be back when they notice their bride is missing.” I waited. I became paranoid and ran to look out the broken window near by. I saw all of them walking away toward the forest gabbing excitedly with each other.

“Quick we need to go!” I said and grabbed my fake groom’s hand again and dragged him down the stairs. I never did take a good look at my fake groom’s face. I should have. He may have been Orlando Bloom dressed like a pirate. Then I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to leave.

 We caught up with the group of photographers and followed along the edge of the forest with them. In front of us was the most beautiful scene ever! A mound of moss-covered logs stood majestically among the tall trees that surrounded them in a perfect photographic configuration. The ground and surrounding trees were also covered in a soft deep green moss. There were brand new spring flowers dancing in the soft breeze and freshly opened leaves with the most colorful butterflies hovering above them. Sunbeams came in from the side perfectly illuminating the area with a god like charm. It was breathtaking, a photographer’s dream location. It wouldn’t  have surprised me if a unicorn came out of the woods with Orlando Bloom dressed like an elf on it’s back to greet us it looked so perfect.  

I excitedly ran up  ahead of everyone else to hop up on the logs to strike my best bridal pose, but when I got up close I could see huge, fat-butt red ants swarming all over the logs. I jumped back. I cringed. There was no way I was getting on those logs. I laughed to myself. How many times had I been disappointed because I bride was unwilling to do something I asked her in her wedding dress. I thought it was pretty ironic. Everyone’s faces looked expectantly at me.

“These logs are covered in ants. There’s no way I’m getting on them. We can use them as background.” I said to their waiting faces. They looked disappointed, some even angry. The girl, who I knew somehow was pretending to be a senior for the day, walked over and sat on the edge of the logs and struck a pose. I could see hundreds of ants feeling around her arm trying to figure out what was blocking their path. The presence of her little arm seemed to make them grow larger. It was just a matter of time before they started biting her.

“It’s alright,” she said, “We can just use the edges and it will be fine.” As I watched her arm, other types of insects joined in with the fat-butt ants and crowded all over each other trying to get past the girl’s arm. The pile of bugs grew bigger and bigger. I could imagine them biting all over that poor girl, crawling around in her clothes. Her whole body would be covered in little white itchy bumps tomorrow. Then came the Florida water bugs. Their gigantic black roach bodies creeped me out to the point I wanted to scream. I really hated those things.

“There’s no way I’m ruining my honeymoon to take pictures on some bug infested logs!” I shouted. I don’t know why I said that, I was only pretending to be a bride. I wasn’t going on a honeymoon. It did occur to me that the scene I once looked at as magical was now a bunch of bug infested rotten logs. It was no longer a place for unicorns to visit.

I woke up then to the sound of my cat at the end of the bed about to hack up a hairball on my sheets. I grabbed her and put her on a towel near by before she popped her load, relieved it didn’t end up on my new mattress.

Maybe it was the sound of my cat huffing that turned my dream ugly or maybe it was my husband’s snoring.  I don’t know. What I do know is that it’s interesting how people can see the same scene so differently. I’ll always keep that in mind. Not that I didn’t before, I’d never ask a bride to do something I’m not willing to do myself. It’s just more vivid now. I feel like I’ve lived  it, even if it was just a dream.

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